Darkness In Motherhood
I have locked the bathroom door and found myself weeping with the exhaustion of being a Mother to 3 young children. The loneliness at times is unbearable. I had lost my cool again and the trembling lips of my 4 year old made me feel even guiltier. I had reached my limit that day of being touched, whined at, kicked from a temper tantrum, and was drowning in my own expectations. This was my darkness at it’s worse.
My soul was empty and as I looked in the mirror blood shot and puffy eyes from weeping I knew I had hit rock bottom. I was in a never ending cycle of mommy pleasing, people pleasing, husband pleasing, and the high bar of expectations I had set for myself. In my head were the images of all the mom’s who had it together. Who looked great, had date nights with their husbands and seemed to always know what to do.
Here I was feeling like a fraud, some days were great and yet others felt so low and lonely. Sitting on that bathroom floor my hot tears running down my face I realized that no amount of working out, personal development, and conversations with my husband, and friends was going to pull me out of this darkness. I had lost myself and my joy.
I prayed and begged for a way to find both peace and joy. That day I made the promise to myself to abandon the noise and let myself breathe. I tuned out the feed that wasn’t positive. I abandoned sleep for quiet mornings and stillness. I began to journal and recognize the darkness along with the light. I learned to feed my soul. I learned to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I let go of superficial friendships and clung to the ones that were real. I started talking and sharing the darkness with my husband. Most of all I let go of the expectations and found freedom. The darkness still comes but the quiet and calming light burns it out. Instead, my Joy burns brighter.